Well Hmmm.... Have you ever just wished for silence? I have to admit, I was planning on logging in to write about one thing, but this is just demanding my attention far too much. Don't get me wrong... I love my laptop (it's a pretty blueberry iBook)... but this humming is driving me bonkers. It's really taking away from me focusing on much else. I wish it would just be quiet. It normally doesn't seem quite this loud, so I know it's just my head being odd. *lol* But it just seems so loud.

Darn computer hum....

Hmmm... you know what. I just can't focus on this right now. *lol* I haven't been able to focus on this since I started it. My brain is just not cooperating right now. I might as well give up, as there is no way I can write when I can't focus on it. The hum is starting to put me to sleep so I'm going to put my computer away for the time being. :) Have no fear though, I will be back later... when my head is cooperating. ;)

I started on Methylphenidate (generic form of Ritalin) on January 22nd. The original dosage was too high, and sent me into a bizarre anxiety ridden ride. Here's a bit of an email I sent out while feeling totally not myself:

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OMG! I took my first pill about a half an hour ago... This honestly feels so odd. I don't know what to do with myself. All the trains of thought... All the noise... All of the "stuff" that has constantly been going on in my brain at the speed of light my entire life... It's gone. It's just so quiet. My head is quiet. The million and one thoughts that are always there, always shooting through my head... it's just quiet. Is this what goes on in a "normal" persons brain? It's just so very quiet. :) This feels so weird. I'm not actually sure if I like it or not... It's just so very very different. It feels like someone elses brain has been transplanted into my head. It's so quiet. I mean... I hear the things going on around me... but those sounds and those sights, and the things going on around me aren't triggering a million different streams of thought. All my life it's felt like there were always at least three different voices, all telling stories and following thoughts at the same time. At any given moment I had several ideas all shooting through my brain. Now there is just one voice, and it's quiet, and not really sure what it should be doing. *lol* Does that sound all together crazy?"

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Yep. All together crazy. *lol* Needless to say I've found the right dosage, and am feeling SOOOO much better. :) The methylphenidate has helped with all of the "brain noise". My head is quieter than it's ever been before. At first it really seemed to stifle the creative parts of me, and I was very stressed about my art and my writing as I wasn't sure I would be able to do either of these things while on this prescription.

I also had to "relearn" so many things. I found I no longer had an automatic pilot. I'd have to stop half way into making a peanut butter and banana sandwich to remember what happens after I take the bread out of the bag. *lol* I'm now again making sandwiches without a problem. ;)

While this prescription has helped me to stay on task, and actually finish things before jumping onto the next project, it hasn't helped with my tendency to over focus. Just last night I completely lost my evening. I started painting at shortly after eight p.m... felt like I'd only been working at it for about ten or fifteen minutes, but when I looked up it was 11:30. An hour and a half past the time I'm supposed to take my amitriptyline. *lol* So needless to say, this is something I still need to work around. ;)

I've started this blog to share what it's like inside my head. Along with physical disabilities, I also have ADD. I figure this is a good a way as any to record my musings. Most people don't realize what it's like to have your brain go 100 mph. To never know what quiet really is, because your head never really shuts off. Hopefully this blog will give people an insight as to what it's like to live with ADD.